Every October, communities across the country take time to shed light on domestic and intimate partner violence (IPV). This is not only a time to honor survivors and remember lives lost, but also a call to action: each of us has the power to help. If you’ve ever wondered how to support someone experiencing abuse, here are five meaningful ways to step in with compassion and care:

5 ways you can help victims of domestic and intimate partner violence

#1 Know the signs.

Abuse isn’t always physical—it can be emotional, psychological, financial, or spiritual. Recognizing the signs is often the first step to helping someone.

Possible red flags include:

  • A partner who criticizes, humiliates, or puts them down in front of others
  • Constant fear of upsetting or angering their partner
  • Repeatedly excusing or covering up their partner’s behavior
  • A partner who is controlling, excessively jealous, or checks their phone and whereabouts
  • Unexplained injuries or frequent “accidents”
  • Isolation from friends, family, hobbies, or activities they once enjoyed Personality changes such as depression, anxiety, nervousness, or becoming withdrawn

Why this matters: Victims may not always name what they’re going through as “abuse.” Your awareness of these signs can help you notice when something is wrong and approach them with care.

#2 Talk in a safe setting.

When you choose to talk with someone you’re worried about, timing and environment matter. Creating a safe space for conversation looks like: 

  • Find privacy. Pick a setting where the abuser won’t overhear or find out.

  • Use gentle language. Instead of confronting, try open statements like: “I’ve noticed you seem worried around your partner. I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

  • Affirm their courage. It takes bravery to share what’s happening. Let them know you admire their strength in opening up.

  • Avoid judgment. Even if you don’t understand why they stay, your role is to listen and support, not criticize.

Why this matters: Victims may already feel ashamed, confused, or guilty. A calm and safe conversation can remind them they are not alone.

#3 Believe victims and validate their experience.

One of the cruelest tactics of abuse is manipulation—abusers often seem loving, charming, or respected in public while being harmful behind closed doors. Survivors may fear they won’t be believed.

  • Say it plainly: “I believe you.”

  • Reinforce reality: “This is not your fault.”

  • Offer empathy: “I’m so sorry this is happening to you.”

Why this matters: Belief is powerful. When a victim knows someone stands with them, it can break through the silence and isolation an abuser has worked so hard to create.

#4 Be understanding.

Understand there are multiple factors in domestic and intimate partner violence. Never pressure them to do something they are not ready for. By pressuring them into something they’re not ready for, you may force the victim further into isolation and make it less likely they will ever make changes. Simply be there for them and refrain from judgment.

#5 Connect to resources.

Professional advocates can provide safety planning, legal advice, emergency shelter, and ongoing support that friends and family cannot always give. You can help someone in trouble connect with these resources for free assistance, available 24/7, 365 days a year:

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline
    • 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)
    • Deaf/hard of hearing: 1-855-812-1011 (VP)  or 1−800−787−322 (TTY)
    • You can also visit their website at https://www.thehotline.org/
  • RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline
  • If they are in immediate danger, call 911.

By being informed about how to help, you can make a difference in the life of a victim of domestic violence.